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A Change Is Gonna Come

A redesign is in due order. The current proves too constricting, too reductive, too segregating a set up. I need something a bit more fluid, something that flows as one, yet remains mutually distinct. I have an idea sketched out in my head but I woefully lack the motor functions to put pen to paper and create it.

I will find something that pleases me, something that feels me, something that shows me. And then it’s time to liven this place up a bit. It’s gotten…boring.

Once again I have to rely on others for my artistic expression. A pity.

Barren Lands Of The Modern Dinosaur

I know I’m not a very good friend. I’m rude, I’m vindictive, I’m possessive and I bear grudges. There was a reason for that. There still is. But I’m trying to change. It’s not easy.

Learning to be a different person is difficult. There’s a lot I don’t know and a lot I have to forget. I’ve been so lucky to have some friends who’ve stuck it out, who’ve bothered to stay around long enough for me to make a change in my life. But in the process I’ve lost so many people too.

Sometimes they say the wrong thing, sometimes I’m too petty, sometimes they do too little, sometimes I expect too much, sometimes it’s the other way around. I cannot say I’m perfect, but neither can I vouch for them being so.

What I can say is that I’ve tried, I’m trying, and I’ll continue trying. Friendships to me are too important to throw away, to let die in the dust.

I don’t mind being told I’m a horrible person, because I know it’s true. But I cannot and I won’t tolerate the idea that I’m not trying. Effort can’t be seen, can’t be felt. The way I see it, if it brings you results, great. If it doesn’t, try again.

I remember telling B one day, I hate how my NS guys softened me up and made me love them. I hated how the last day was full of crying cause I was sad to leave them. Yet I know it was necessary, because it meant that they’d made a difference in my life.

And maybe I’d been missing out.

IFU

I’m so ashamed
You’re in so much pain
I blamed you when things
Didn’t go my way
If I didn’t
You’d be here